Crowns

There have been a thousand things I've been thinking about or feeling, or both. Or neither. There is yet to be something that I could put into words. I still don't know if there is or not. But I'll try either way.

I've never liked change very much. I guess it depends on what exactly that change involves. Usually when I have to leave a place I've become comfortable with, and people that I love, it's very hard. This time has been especially hard. But there are things I'm beginning to realize.

Sometimes I think things like "if I could just _____ I'd be happy." Or maybe "if I was in a different stage of life I'd be happy." Here's the truth: we will never be happy until we cast our cares upon the Lord and fully trust in Him. I find that it's very easy to just half-way trust in Him. Even after all the things He has done in my life to show me I can trust Him, I still doubt Him somehow. It's easy to trust God when things go the way I think they should. The problem is that I sometimes don't see eye to eye with Him. Sometimes His plan is painful. Sometimes I'd much rather try to meet my needs on my own than trust Him to meet them for me. Sometimes I don't even know what my needs are!

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." -James 1:12

I think our problem when we go through hard times is that we focus too much on the trial and lose sight of the crown. The trial is all we can see. God does not promise to keep us from trial. In fact, He said that in the world we will have trouble. Maybe your trial will last a year, maybe 10, maybe a lifetime. But God promises us the crown of life if we stand the test. He promises to be with us through every step. He promises not to forsake us.

Turning Pages

There are only a few books I've read in my life that have been hard to put down. But is there ever a book you've read that makes you scared to find out what happens next? Scared to turn the page? I'm finding that I feel that way about my life sometimes. It's easy to turn the page or read the next chapter of a good book, but much harder to want to "read" the next chapter of life. Right now I'm starting my first day at Seminary. New school, new roommates, new state. I've left the comfort of good friends to start a new chapter. It's exciting, scary, fun, challenging... about 1000 different emotions all at once. I don't know what's going to happen as I keep turning pages. There could be something amazing, something tragic, or something beyond what I could have ever dreamed. Either way, I'm asking God to keep writing this "book" He's put me into. And for the strength to keep going, even when I have no idea what's next!

Trust

I've been reading a book given to me by my good friend John Mark. Mark Batterson is the pastor of a church in Washington DC, and writer of the book Wild Goose Chase. His book has many insights on following the direction of the Holy Spirit. This book has taken me all summer to read, which has been a good thing. My slow reading has enabled God to use this book in my life to teach me things exactly when I need to hear them.

I have talked a lot about trusting God with everything lately. I believe that's because it's my biggest problem, and what God is actively trying to help me overcome this summer. For as long as I can remember in my walk with the Lord, I have trusted in myself far too much. Things have always seemed to mostly go my way, and I usually credit that to my own abilities. In the past few months, God has been breaking me of this. Here is the next example.

I did something this morning that I have not done in a very long time. I dropped a check in the offering plate at church. I assure you, this was not because I have a surplus in my account. It was definitely not because I am completely debt free.

I think it was just an act of trust.

Last week I was reading Batterson's book. He began to talk about tithing, and one phrase stuck out to me.

"God can do more with 90 percent than I can do with 100 percent."

Tithing is trusting, he says. I realized when I dropped that check in the offering plate that God was going to have to provide for some needs that I may have given up with that money. But there is something freeing about giving up what you do not have. Please know that I had a difficult time dropping that check in the plate this morning. I almost hoped the usher would not turn around and see me standing behind him with my hand out, holding my small, folded piece of paper. In fact, I don't even know if the ushers have ever turned to the praise team with an offering plate.

Until today.

As if God was screaming at me, saying "it's ok, you can trust Me" one of our ushers turned and looked right at me. I never knew that little prayer I prayed back in March would have such an impact on my life. When I asked God to show me I could trust Him, I never expected that He would still be answering my prayer four months later.

Maybe I should be more careful what I ask for! Or maybe those are the dangerous kinds of prayers that God longs for us to pray. Maybe He wants to show us how much more joy we could have. If only we would let Him more often.