God WILL lift up your head.

Give to the wind your fears. Hope; be undismayed. God hears your sighs and counts your tears. God will lift up, God will lift up... lift up your head.

Aren't you glad God doesn't answer our selfish prayers? Aren't you glad He gives us what we need, and not what we think we need? ...No? Yeah, me neither.

But seriously. If God answered every prayer I prayed, I'd be in rough shape. In fact it seems like the one He keeps answering is that same one I prayed months ago. "God, show me I can trust You." I guess in a way, that was kind of a selfish prayer. But it was a prayer out of fear and uncertainty. Everything else had proved to be untrustworthy, so God was the only one left to turn to. So maybe God honors even a tiny bit of trust in Him. Even if it is out of desperation.

Leave to His sovereign sway to choose and to command. Than shall we wandering on His way know how wise and how strong, how strong is His hand.

I still seem to think I know what's best for me. I still seem to think that I know when things should happen and how they should happen. I beginning to think that maybe God isn't afraid to let us go through hard times, because He knows it will make us stronger. Ok, maybe I've been thinking that for a while now. But I need to remind myself.

I think that the more we choose to trust in His timing and plan, the more we begin to believe that we are safe in doing so. That doesn't mean the way is easy. It definitely won't be what we expect. But He knows the best way, and He will help us trust that.

Through waves and clouds and storms He gently clears the way. Wait 'cause in His time so shall this night soon end in joy.

God has brought me though some tough times. That's no secret. I'm beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but here's the question I have to ask myself: what if He could be all I need? What if I could be completely satisfied in Him and not need anything else? No emotional or financial stability... nothing. I don't know. Right now, he is helping me with all of those things. But what if He didn't? Could I still trust Him? I hope so.

But, He is faithful over and over. He cares for us. "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:29-31)

Trust in Him even when it's hard. Because you can. He's proved it to me.

Journeys

Well, I finally finished "Wild Goose Chase." It took me forever, but that's mostly because I kept forgetting to read it. But it was kind of a good thing that it took me so long. I started it back in May. I started reading it at the house I stayed in this summer with my friend Garrett. I opened it again at other times during the summer... in a car on the way back from a mission trip in Florida, on an airplane, on a train, and now in my room here in Wake Forest, NC. Finishing this book the other night brought back a flood of memories from the past four and a half months. God has brought many different places. It's been an interesting journey!

The journeys we go on are always interesting. That's the best way I have to describe them. At the time, we experience all kinds of emotions. Some of them we don't understand. Alright, I don't really understand any of them. But that's besides the point. We may feel sadness, confusion, pain. We may feel joy and comfort. Sometimes we feel them all at the same time. A lot of the time, we can't decide what we feel. Or what we think. It's times like this that remind me to stop trusting in myself.

"I have not been abandoned, no I have not been deserted and I have not been forgotten.

I need You.
I need You here, I need You now.
I need security somehow.
I need You.
Like you would not believe.
You're the only thing I want, cause You're everything I need."

Sometimes we just need to cry out these words. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that we need Him. When I say these words, I'm definitely not telling God anything He doesn't already know. When God takes us on difficult and interesting journeys, He does it for His glory. He does it to help us become who we were meant to be. And I believe that starts when we admit that we can't do it without Him.

Crowns

There have been a thousand things I've been thinking about or feeling, or both. Or neither. There is yet to be something that I could put into words. I still don't know if there is or not. But I'll try either way.

I've never liked change very much. I guess it depends on what exactly that change involves. Usually when I have to leave a place I've become comfortable with, and people that I love, it's very hard. This time has been especially hard. But there are things I'm beginning to realize.

Sometimes I think things like "if I could just _____ I'd be happy." Or maybe "if I was in a different stage of life I'd be happy." Here's the truth: we will never be happy until we cast our cares upon the Lord and fully trust in Him. I find that it's very easy to just half-way trust in Him. Even after all the things He has done in my life to show me I can trust Him, I still doubt Him somehow. It's easy to trust God when things go the way I think they should. The problem is that I sometimes don't see eye to eye with Him. Sometimes His plan is painful. Sometimes I'd much rather try to meet my needs on my own than trust Him to meet them for me. Sometimes I don't even know what my needs are!

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." -James 1:12

I think our problem when we go through hard times is that we focus too much on the trial and lose sight of the crown. The trial is all we can see. God does not promise to keep us from trial. In fact, He said that in the world we will have trouble. Maybe your trial will last a year, maybe 10, maybe a lifetime. But God promises us the crown of life if we stand the test. He promises to be with us through every step. He promises not to forsake us.

Turning Pages

There are only a few books I've read in my life that have been hard to put down. But is there ever a book you've read that makes you scared to find out what happens next? Scared to turn the page? I'm finding that I feel that way about my life sometimes. It's easy to turn the page or read the next chapter of a good book, but much harder to want to "read" the next chapter of life. Right now I'm starting my first day at Seminary. New school, new roommates, new state. I've left the comfort of good friends to start a new chapter. It's exciting, scary, fun, challenging... about 1000 different emotions all at once. I don't know what's going to happen as I keep turning pages. There could be something amazing, something tragic, or something beyond what I could have ever dreamed. Either way, I'm asking God to keep writing this "book" He's put me into. And for the strength to keep going, even when I have no idea what's next!

Trust

I've been reading a book given to me by my good friend John Mark. Mark Batterson is the pastor of a church in Washington DC, and writer of the book Wild Goose Chase. His book has many insights on following the direction of the Holy Spirit. This book has taken me all summer to read, which has been a good thing. My slow reading has enabled God to use this book in my life to teach me things exactly when I need to hear them.

I have talked a lot about trusting God with everything lately. I believe that's because it's my biggest problem, and what God is actively trying to help me overcome this summer. For as long as I can remember in my walk with the Lord, I have trusted in myself far too much. Things have always seemed to mostly go my way, and I usually credit that to my own abilities. In the past few months, God has been breaking me of this. Here is the next example.

I did something this morning that I have not done in a very long time. I dropped a check in the offering plate at church. I assure you, this was not because I have a surplus in my account. It was definitely not because I am completely debt free.

I think it was just an act of trust.

Last week I was reading Batterson's book. He began to talk about tithing, and one phrase stuck out to me.

"God can do more with 90 percent than I can do with 100 percent."

Tithing is trusting, he says. I realized when I dropped that check in the offering plate that God was going to have to provide for some needs that I may have given up with that money. But there is something freeing about giving up what you do not have. Please know that I had a difficult time dropping that check in the plate this morning. I almost hoped the usher would not turn around and see me standing behind him with my hand out, holding my small, folded piece of paper. In fact, I don't even know if the ushers have ever turned to the praise team with an offering plate.

Until today.

As if God was screaming at me, saying "it's ok, you can trust Me" one of our ushers turned and looked right at me. I never knew that little prayer I prayed back in March would have such an impact on my life. When I asked God to show me I could trust Him, I never expected that He would still be answering my prayer four months later.

Maybe I should be more careful what I ask for! Or maybe those are the dangerous kinds of prayers that God longs for us to pray. Maybe He wants to show us how much more joy we could have. If only we would let Him more often.

It's the simple things, sometimes...

I have always been fascinated by airplanes. Small, big, it doesn't matter. They amaze me. I love watching them, flying in them, and reading about them. I don't know if it's possible to have a "crush" on a genre of transportation, but I'm one step away from being considered a stalker. Anyways, I was recently waiting in the Richmond airport for a flight to Newark, NJ. I was staring out the window at all the planes taking off, landing, taxiing... I was in awe! It was just like any other day at the airport.

Until something amazing happened.

No, nothing exploded. Nothing caused the entire airport to break into a panic. In fact, I'm positive that I'm the only one that noticed. As I stood at gate B2, watching my Embraer Regional Jet park at the terminal, a tiny fly landed on the window. This fly was barely bigger than than the point of the pen I was holding. Yet the tiny wings on its back blew me away. (Not literally.) I had been standing there in amazement at the brilliance of man to create flight, until I realized that God had the idea way before we did. That tiny little bug became more amazing to me than any of the giant flying hunks of metal I had been staring at for over an hour.

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." -1 Corinthians 1:27

God continues to use little things in my life to prove to me that He is faithful. This is no exception. His message to me this time was "Hey, you're going to think things of this world are great! Just remember that even My smallest creation is greater than anything the world could ever give you."

The Promise

Life is hard sometimes, isn't it? You know it, I know it, we all know it. I discussed this several months ago in a blog post, and I just realized something while reading back over the post titled "Learning Patience."

"The problem with heavenly rewards is that we don't see the fulfillment now. But the Glory that is to be revealed to us is much greater even than our present satisfaction. That's the promise God gives us. And we may not recognize that when things don't go our way, but the promise is still there. It's always there. Through every disappointment, every suffering, every hardship. We must not forgot that God is God, and He will never break His promise."

At the time I wrote that, I believe I was upset that I didn't get a job that I wanted. Now, that hardship seems trivial compared to what has been endured since that post was written on January 19th. Granted, I would not say that my life has been miserable since then, but sometimes things happen that completely overshadow other problems. I see now how God used His infinite wisdom and eternal view of my life to prepare me for what I was to encounter in life over the past few months. The disappoint I felt for not getting that job in January taught me things I would need in order to endure more difficult situations.

I have prayed at several different times lately that God would teach and reteach me to trust Him. Every time, He has been faithful. Although even now as I write this I am worried about paying off debts and making enough money to get by on my own, God is reminding me that He is there. He is showing me that He uses difficulties to teach us and help us grow.

Right now, God is blessing me richly in many, many ways, and I am so thankful. I have received over $6700 to go to seminary for the upcoming academic year. I only received this because God continues to graciously give me things I don't deserve. I only pray that I will remember his promises when hard times come around again. But I have seen His faithfulness, and that makes trusting Him all the easier.

Moving Forward

I think one thing I'm realizing about this blog is that I shouldn't force myself to write some long, drawn out entry if I really don't have much to talk about. However, here are some short thoughts.

I think God always expects us to move forward. Complacency is my biggest enemy. If I am comfortable with everything in my life, I worry that I'm not doing everything I'm supposed to do. This is especially true with me at my church with my youth group. I have been afraid to challenge the youth to get deep into the Word and grow closer to God. But my complacency and fear brought a great deal of discomfort.

I pray that God would always keep me moving forward. That's one reason I'm excited about going to seminary. It may make me a little (or VERY) uncomfortable, but God never promised I would live an easy life. He came that we may have life more abundant. And sometimes the abundant life isn't easy. But an easy life is a life that doesn't move forward. That's not what we were made to do. I want to continually ask God to help me move forward, even when it's hard.

-kevin

Am I Free?

This question burns in my mind. Am I truly free?

"My dead heart now is beating, my deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs, now I'm free, now I'm free."

I sang those words last night. They are from one of my favorite worship songs of all time. Thinking about it now, I don't know if I really believe those words. I do know that my dead heart is beating. I do know that my deepest stains are clean. Jesus did this for me already. His breath has filled up my lungs.

But I don't feel free all the time.

It's easy to sing that "sin has lost its power," and that "death has lost its sting." But it's much more difficult to remember that when I'm at my worst. When I'm most selfish. When I'm bitter or jealous. When I feel hatred towards another person. Sometimes I still feel like my sin holds me captive... withholding me from God's full potential for me.

Sure my dead heart is beating, but sometimes I feel like it's struggling to hold on.

But my dissatisfaction with my sin is what reminds me that I'm still a work in progress. God is actively pursuing me. I am sure of this because deep in my heart, I know He is the only thing that can satisfy. I know that He is the only One who can fill the emptiness that so often cripples me. Even when I try to fill the void with other things, I know that none of it will ever give me as much joy and peace with life as would the love of God.

And I know that nothing else could set me free.

-kevin

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:6-8 (NIV)

Learning Patience

I have never been a guy who likes to sit around and do nothing. So far this semester I have had many hours to myself. I have to admit, it's kind of nice to have free time for once. But I just have a feeling that I'm not supposed to sit on my hands the whole time. Thus, of course, why I'm writing in this blog. I've always enjoyed sharing my thoughts, whether one person reads them or a thousand people read them. I will try not to make this a biographical session, but I do hope to share what God is doing in my life.

Last night I spoke for my youth group at Faith Community Church in South Boston, VA. I began talking about prayer, and how sometimes God doesn't give us what we pray for because He has bigger things in mind for us. I didn't get far into my lesson before the students started sharing stories about times this happened in their lives, and how God used that situation for the better. This was, of course, going to be my point, but they said it before I could. Youth can truly be amazing! Thinking back on that today, I wonder if I'm really living with that mindset, or if I am more often bitter and angry when things don't go the way I thought they should have.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." -Romans 8:18 (NASB)

For me, this puts things into perspective. God's Glory > present sufferings. God's Glory > present disappointments. God's Glory > me. (That is the point of Littleman, I suppose. It would make sense for me to remember it more often.) But I forget most of the time.

So I suppose God is teaching me patience right now. He is teaching me that there are things in life that don't pay a dime now, but may have heavenly rewards. The problem with heavenly rewards is that we don't see the fulfillment now. But the Glory that is to be revealed to us is much greater even than our present satisfaction. That's the promise God gives us. And we may not recognize that when things don't go our way, but the promise is still there. It's always there. Though every disappointment, every suffering, every hardship. We must not forgot that God is God, and He will never break His promise.

-kevin

Am I who I want to be?

I recently remembered that I have this website. I've posted randomly over the past few years, and I originally opened this account to keep my friends and family in the loop about my first summer at IMPACT Florida in 2007. I also intended to do that this past summer, but as you can see, that didn't happen. In either case I decided to go back and read some of those old posts. I was reminded of how much I love IMPACT Florida, which in turn reminded me how much I love leading worship. It also made me think "hey, I should write something."

So here it is. For the past few months I've been trying to figure out what I want to do after I graduate in May. Actually, I'm marrying Emily in July, so I should say that we have been trying to decide what we want to do after graduation. As we look forward to an amazing life together, we both decided that grad school was in the future for both of us. Cause, hey, why not add enormous amounts of stress to our newly founded family, right? No, but seriously... in an effort to find her a free education at Liberty, I applied for two full-time jobs at the school. I was soundly turned down for both, of course, because God's plans are always bigger than our own. After the disappointment began to wear off, I realized something... and this is the point of why I'm writing.

Whatever God is doing is exactly what is supposed to happen. The jobs I applied for have nothing to do with my calling. I am a worship leader. I love nothing more than approaching the throne with other believers. God has graciously gifted me with talents, passions, and opportunities to do this, and to do anything else with my life would be a waste of all that. So, this fall, Emily and I will being moving to Wake Forest, NC so I can attend Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. There I hope to pursue a degree in Church Music.

I realized, through my disappointments, that I did not like who I was becoming. I was trying to force myself into what I saw as convenient and comfortable. I realized that I would rather venture into some new and frightening place than waste my life pursuing something God had not called me to.

In an effort to keep this post from getting too long, I will stop now. I have a lot more I could say. I plan to update twice a week from now on. I'm not sure which days yet... possibly Monday and Thursday.

Be who you were meant to be.

-kevin